Because, I'm Worth It
I bought some new face cream yesterday. In my 52 years of living, I have only used Noxema, and Oil of Olay.
Unfortunately, there was no Oil of Olay for sensitive skin. So, after looking around and asking the cosmetologist for her opinion, I bought skin serum.
I have never used a serum, but the cosmetologist, assured me that my mature skin would benefit from its properties. It sounded good to me.
After having a bath, I read the directions carefully, looked at myself in the mirror sighing. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my crows feet, fine and small." I squeezed out 3 tiny drops on my ring finger, applying it in multiple places, all over my face. It felt like oil, and it was easy to apply. It felt almost tingly.
I went to my room, to put on my pyjamas, my face was feeling warm. It must have a thermal property. It was getting warm, and then tropical, changed to searing, and was quickly becoming nuclear! I pulled a clean face cloth from the shelf, and ran it under cold water and frantically began wiping my face. "Holy sweet mother, my face is on fire!" I was getting absolutely no relief from the wet washcloth, so I plunged my face under the tap, running straight cold water over my face. That was making it worse!
My mind was swirling, searching for some relief. Milk! I ran to the kitchen, and pulled the milk pitcher out of the fridge. I leaned over the sink as I poured the cold milk all over my face. "Aahhh, finally...relief. I could feel the temperature in my cheeks begin to cool.
I poured milk into a bowl, and continued to soak the washcloth in milk, and lay it over my face. After using up all of the milk, I found the box that the serum came in. I read everything, there was no mention of any kind of a holy sh*t, we're going to set your face on fire, expected reaction, so I assumed I was having some kind of an adverse reaction. I found a phone number, so I called it.
It was a recording of their product line. "You have to be kidding!" I pressed "0", and surprisingly, I heard a "hello" with a southern drawl. I explained what product I had used, and what had happened to me. She asked me if I was a geriatric woman! I asked her to define geriatric. She said anyone 80 plus!
"80? As in years?" I yelled into my phone. "Yes ma'am" came her response, dripping with bored, Southern sarcasm. I assured her, I was 30 years away from 80. She told me it was unusual for that reaction, but, if I wasn't happy, I could return the product for a full refund, and she would send me some coupons for free products. "Why? So you can deface my face? No thank you!" She said, calmly, I might add "Well thank you ma'am, have a wonderful evening, and remember, you're worth it!" Oh my good grief! Not only was I a victim of a self inflicted thermonuclear explosion, I was also a victim of advertising redderick!
I hung up my phone, and went to the bathroom to check out the damage. My face was a lovely shade of burnt, I can only describe as aubergine. My eyes, we're swollen, with bags, and they were packed for what looked like a trip around the world, and my mouth, well, it resembled Steven Tyler's! Dude, looks like a lady, looking like an old, worn out 80's rock singer! I was an epic mess!
My skin, it seems is in a state of revolt, seemingly being ruled by Hugo Chavez.
I looked at myself, and I wanted to cry,
"Mirror, mirror, in my loo,
My face, I fear, does look like poo!"
I guzzled back a huge shot of Benedryl, and decided to go to bed. Things would look better in the morning, and I hoped I was one of them.
When I woke up this morning, I took a look at myself, there didn't seem to be any long term effects, other than a huge void in my wallet.
Today, I will take back the serum, and drive to Walmart, where, I will buy my Oil of Olay, for sensitive skin, because I'm worth it.
Unfortunately, there was no Oil of Olay for sensitive skin. So, after looking around and asking the cosmetologist for her opinion, I bought skin serum.
I have never used a serum, but the cosmetologist, assured me that my mature skin would benefit from its properties. It sounded good to me.
After having a bath, I read the directions carefully, looked at myself in the mirror sighing. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my crows feet, fine and small." I squeezed out 3 tiny drops on my ring finger, applying it in multiple places, all over my face. It felt like oil, and it was easy to apply. It felt almost tingly.
I went to my room, to put on my pyjamas, my face was feeling warm. It must have a thermal property. It was getting warm, and then tropical, changed to searing, and was quickly becoming nuclear! I pulled a clean face cloth from the shelf, and ran it under cold water and frantically began wiping my face. "Holy sweet mother, my face is on fire!" I was getting absolutely no relief from the wet washcloth, so I plunged my face under the tap, running straight cold water over my face. That was making it worse!
My mind was swirling, searching for some relief. Milk! I ran to the kitchen, and pulled the milk pitcher out of the fridge. I leaned over the sink as I poured the cold milk all over my face. "Aahhh, finally...relief. I could feel the temperature in my cheeks begin to cool.
I poured milk into a bowl, and continued to soak the washcloth in milk, and lay it over my face. After using up all of the milk, I found the box that the serum came in. I read everything, there was no mention of any kind of a holy sh*t, we're going to set your face on fire, expected reaction, so I assumed I was having some kind of an adverse reaction. I found a phone number, so I called it.
It was a recording of their product line. "You have to be kidding!" I pressed "0", and surprisingly, I heard a "hello" with a southern drawl. I explained what product I had used, and what had happened to me. She asked me if I was a geriatric woman! I asked her to define geriatric. She said anyone 80 plus!
"80? As in years?" I yelled into my phone. "Yes ma'am" came her response, dripping with bored, Southern sarcasm. I assured her, I was 30 years away from 80. She told me it was unusual for that reaction, but, if I wasn't happy, I could return the product for a full refund, and she would send me some coupons for free products. "Why? So you can deface my face? No thank you!" She said, calmly, I might add "Well thank you ma'am, have a wonderful evening, and remember, you're worth it!" Oh my good grief! Not only was I a victim of a self inflicted thermonuclear explosion, I was also a victim of advertising redderick!
I hung up my phone, and went to the bathroom to check out the damage. My face was a lovely shade of burnt, I can only describe as aubergine. My eyes, we're swollen, with bags, and they were packed for what looked like a trip around the world, and my mouth, well, it resembled Steven Tyler's! Dude, looks like a lady, looking like an old, worn out 80's rock singer! I was an epic mess!
My skin, it seems is in a state of revolt, seemingly being ruled by Hugo Chavez.
I looked at myself, and I wanted to cry,
"Mirror, mirror, in my loo,
My face, I fear, does look like poo!"
I guzzled back a huge shot of Benedryl, and decided to go to bed. Things would look better in the morning, and I hoped I was one of them.
When I woke up this morning, I took a look at myself, there didn't seem to be any long term effects, other than a huge void in my wallet.
Today, I will take back the serum, and drive to Walmart, where, I will buy my Oil of Olay, for sensitive skin, because I'm worth it.
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