Ready Or Not...

     Hello!  I'm back from a self imposed holiday.  Not a destination kind of holiday, or even a stay-cation.  No, my holiday was more of mental kind of hiatus.
     I checked into the far reaches of my mind, and locked myself away for a couple of weeks.  I thought it would be beneficial for me, turns out it wasn't.  Hiding myself away, and not speaking to anyone created more damage than anything beneficial.  The only thing I actually managed to do was alienate myself from my friends and family.  Instead of being the outgoing, extroverted, wife, mom, and grandma, with a ready smile and friendly hello for everyone, I was a shell of who I used to be.  I was here physically, but not mentally.  I disconnected myself from everyone and everything.
     I could see my life going on around me, and without me.  I didn't like it.  I was going through the motions without being emotionally connected.
     These past six months have been very trying.  I have been driven out of my comfort zone, and pushed in a direction I didn't want to go.  I felt broken.  I wasn't.  I was being selfish and and acting like a baby      I remember being in church many years ago.  We had a guest speaker.  She and her husband were missionaries in central Africa. Her stories of trouble, and genocide were both heartbreaking and terrifying.  She captivated the whole congregation for over an hour with stories of her life in missions.  She told us of how terrified she had been the first six months, until she received a letter from back home.  She read us an exert from that letter.  It really resonated with me.  This is what she read-
My dearest Catherine, I know you have been experiencing terrifying hardships lately.  Please know, you are not alone.  Please see the clipping enclosed that the pastors wife asked me to send you.

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, “May we see that? We’ve never seen one quite so beautiful.”

As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. “You don’t understand,” it said. “I haven’t always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, ‘Let me alone’, but he only smiled, ‘Not yet.'”

“Then I was placed on a spinning wheel,” the teacup said, “and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. ‘Stop it! I’m getting dizzy!’ I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, ‘Not yet.'”

“Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head, ‘Not yet.'”

“Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. ‘There, that’s better’, I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Stop it, stop it!’ I cried. He only nodded, ‘Not yet.'”

“Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, ‘Not yet.'”

Then I knew there wasn’t any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and I couldn’t believe it was me. ‘It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful.'”

“‘I want you to remember, then,’ he said, ‘I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you would have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you wouldn’t survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you.

    I wasn't any different than the tea cup.  This was my time to be patted, spun and put into the fire.
  My husband and I are not the first people to raise their grandchildren, and we won't be the last.  Yes I have been busier than before, and yes I am always exhausted. It was time to pull up my big girl panties and say "This is now my life.  Ready or not."  It was like an epiphany, when the light bulb lit up over my head.   I realized I didnt want to escape from my life.   I had to embrace what was in front of mem
     My daughter is now staying with us for a while.  She is helping to take care of the children, as well as daily chores around our home.  We are pleased to have her here, for her own mental health as well as ours.  Here, we can monitor her moods, and help her when she is feeling overwhelmed.  It's a win win situation, for her and us.
     Life really is what you make it.  Ready or not world, here I come.