Stairway to Heaven
My mom's birthday was on Sunday, July 17, and I found myself missing her terribly. I miss her everyday, however some days are worse than others, so, it was no surprise that Sunday was one of those days.
I found myself going through the motions instead of enthusiastically participating in the day.
I tried to keep busy, but it was no use, my mind continued to retreat to past memories of my beloved mom. I decided to give in and not try to fight it, so, I just let the floodgates open.
It has been almost 2 years since she passed away. I have experienced so many emotions, following the loss of each one of my parents, but, my sense of emptiness since the death of my mom has been indescribable. I feel as though I have been a walking contradiction, in some ways it feels like it's been 100 years since she died. It seems like a lifetime ago that I have heard her voice, sat and talked over a cup of coffee, laughed at a funny story, cooked together, shared a meal, hugged her or heard her say to me that she loves me. On the other hand, it seems like just yesterday that she left, my feeling of loss, that sharp pain in my chest, and the sensation that I just can't catch my breath, well, they never seem to go away. It's just as fresh today as the day she died.
Death is part of life. My head knows it, my heart does too, it's memorized that fact. Some of my friends have experienced loss, my friend Shelley, has lost both parents, and 2 siblings. I know she struggles too, but she never shows it. She hurts like I do, but she is so strong. I don't know how she doesn't break down in despair. I respect and love her for her strength of character. I have tried to emulate Shelley, but I never seem to get it right.
So, there I was, on Sunday night, sitting alone, outside in my backyard. I found myself talking to my mom. I talked as if she were there, I cried and I admitted that I didn't know what I was doing or how to get through this. I sat for quite a while, just being quiet.
It was then that I saw it. In the sky, shortly before sunset. A formation in the sķy, a perfect assemblage of horizontal clouds, creating a stairway to heaven.
My breath caught in my throat! These clouds were a perfect set of stairs leading up to heaven. Tears were flowing down my face as I beheld this atmospheric marvel. I kept looking, almost willing my mom to walk down those stairs, because I knew I couldn't walk up them myself. Yet, as clouds do, they began to shift, the lines of the stairs became blurred and the clouds began to dissipate.
I watched the clouds break up as the sky filled with pinks and oranges. The sun was setting into a beautiful sunset. I heard my mom's voice. "Red sun at night, sailors delight". I smiled, remembering that, and I knew that tomorrow was going to be okay, and so was I.
This is not the stairway to heaven that I saw. It had begun to disappear before I thought of taking a picture, but it is beautiful and full of promise.
I found myself going through the motions instead of enthusiastically participating in the day.
I tried to keep busy, but it was no use, my mind continued to retreat to past memories of my beloved mom. I decided to give in and not try to fight it, so, I just let the floodgates open.
It has been almost 2 years since she passed away. I have experienced so many emotions, following the loss of each one of my parents, but, my sense of emptiness since the death of my mom has been indescribable. I feel as though I have been a walking contradiction, in some ways it feels like it's been 100 years since she died. It seems like a lifetime ago that I have heard her voice, sat and talked over a cup of coffee, laughed at a funny story, cooked together, shared a meal, hugged her or heard her say to me that she loves me. On the other hand, it seems like just yesterday that she left, my feeling of loss, that sharp pain in my chest, and the sensation that I just can't catch my breath, well, they never seem to go away. It's just as fresh today as the day she died.
Death is part of life. My head knows it, my heart does too, it's memorized that fact. Some of my friends have experienced loss, my friend Shelley, has lost both parents, and 2 siblings. I know she struggles too, but she never shows it. She hurts like I do, but she is so strong. I don't know how she doesn't break down in despair. I respect and love her for her strength of character. I have tried to emulate Shelley, but I never seem to get it right.
So, there I was, on Sunday night, sitting alone, outside in my backyard. I found myself talking to my mom. I talked as if she were there, I cried and I admitted that I didn't know what I was doing or how to get through this. I sat for quite a while, just being quiet.
It was then that I saw it. In the sky, shortly before sunset. A formation in the sķy, a perfect assemblage of horizontal clouds, creating a stairway to heaven.
My breath caught in my throat! These clouds were a perfect set of stairs leading up to heaven. Tears were flowing down my face as I beheld this atmospheric marvel. I kept looking, almost willing my mom to walk down those stairs, because I knew I couldn't walk up them myself. Yet, as clouds do, they began to shift, the lines of the stairs became blurred and the clouds began to dissipate.
I watched the clouds break up as the sky filled with pinks and oranges. The sun was setting into a beautiful sunset. I heard my mom's voice. "Red sun at night, sailors delight". I smiled, remembering that, and I knew that tomorrow was going to be okay, and so was I.
This is not the stairway to heaven that I saw. It had begun to disappear before I thought of taking a picture, but it is beautiful and full of promise.
Comments
Post a Comment