Little Shop of Horrors
Most ladies love to shop. Clothes, home fashions, jewellery, shoes, purses...we don't care, we just love to shop. Just the glimpse of a mall far off in the distance gets a lady all giddy, mix that with a day of shopping with a best friend or two, laughing, lunching, spending....it has the making of a wonderful day! Only two things can spoil a woman's shopping high, a phone call from her husband asking how much money she has spent, and shopping for a bathing suit.
I know grown women who have experienced just about as much emotional stress as any human can, break down and sob at the mere thought of buying a bathing suit! It's not the spending money that is so traumatic, in fact, every woman I know would spend every cent they had if they could get a bathing suit that fit them well, and looked good on them.
We ladies are a fickle bunch! We will only wear clothes that won't accent our not so perfect areas, we check out our back, butt, front and side from every conceivable angle before we commit to any article of clothing, but we will humiliate ourselves to wear less at the beach or a pool party than we do to have sex!
So, this year, it was my turn to do the dreaded shopping for a bathing suit. Usually I get about 3 years out of a bathing suit before it is stetched out and faded to where I have no choice but to buy a new one.
As I rummaged through the racks, I saw colored suits, patterned suits, 1 piece, and 2 piece, bathing suits. They were all pretty...on the hanger. Taking a big breath, I opened the door of the change room and walked in.
I grabbed the first bathing suit from the pile and took it off the hanger. Removing my clothes, except my panties, I pulled on this lovely turquoise suit with tropical flowers. I turned around and looked at my reflection in the mirror. After I stopped crying, I noticed the largest RED flower was in the middle of the suit, directly over my belly! "Oh great" I muttered under my breath. "I look like a Poinsettia"! Disgusted, I began to pull this polyester nightmare off, when a young, pretty sales girl pushed the door of the change room open! "What are you doing "? I could hear this shrill yell coming from inside of the change room, and then, I realized it was me! This very apologetic sales girl was doing everything to divert her eyes from my half covered body, but this time I looked like an upside down Poinsettia, and my breasts were very white leaves! I told the young, perky sales girl to take a good look because in 30 years, after children and gravity, she too would look like a scene out of a greenhouse horror movie! She left very quickly, but not before asking f I wanted the matching cover up. "Only if it's black and covers me from my neck to my toes" I grunted as I continued to peel the suit off of my body.
The next bathing suit was a solid colour, no print. That would definitely be better, nothing to draw the eye to my worst feature, unless of course it's peach, and I looked naked and EVERY dimple of cellulite was doing the Samba! "Oh, my word, could this day get any worse"? Off went that swimming abomination. What designer creates such loathsome bathing suits for women larger than a size 14?
I was beginning to hyperventilate! I yanked the next one off of the hanger and pulled it over my head. "What the f**k is wrong with this stupid thing"? I couldn't even figure out how to get it past my head! I threw it down and hauled the last suit from its hanger. It was burgundy with 2 vertical stripes down each side. "Now we're talking" I said with a smile. I pulled it up and adjusted the straps. My smile melted from my face like a candle in a hot car! "What the hell is that, and what is it doing on my ass"? On my butt was a huge white flower the size of a dinner plate! On my ass! Really? Why don't they just paint a big yellow bullseye on my ass for everyone to see? It would be less conspicuous than this f*****g flower! I looked like a float in the f*****g Rose Bowl Parade!
I put my clothes back on and walked out of the change room. The cute little sales girl who had the pleasure of seeing me almost naked was smiling at me. "Well, which one is the winner"? she asked. "Winner"? I said, very quietly, aware of how insane I sounded. "None"!!! I threw the bathing suits down in a crumpled mess on the counter.
God Bless that young sales girl, she was young and inexperienced so she didn't notice my face was red, my hair was stuck to my head from sweat and my shirt was on inside out! She sweetly asked me if I wanted her to help me look for more to try on. I smiled back at her, I am sure my lips were thin and drawn back into a crazy Jack Nicholson smile when he was in the movie The Shining, because she backed up a step and she said "Maybe not". I had the strangest desire to crook my index finger and croak "Redrum" over and over and over again, but I didn't. Instead, I said No, I don't think so"
"I have decided if I can't swim nude, I won't swim at all"!
I turned around and mustered as much dignity as I could with my shirt on inside out after being seen half naked by a girl half my age, with a limited knowledge of what cellulite actually is, and more than likely she thinks it's a light weight cover for the newest smartphone!
My faded, stretched out, old bathing suit will be perfect this year and I will wear it with pride!
I know grown women who have experienced just about as much emotional stress as any human can, break down and sob at the mere thought of buying a bathing suit! It's not the spending money that is so traumatic, in fact, every woman I know would spend every cent they had if they could get a bathing suit that fit them well, and looked good on them.
We ladies are a fickle bunch! We will only wear clothes that won't accent our not so perfect areas, we check out our back, butt, front and side from every conceivable angle before we commit to any article of clothing, but we will humiliate ourselves to wear less at the beach or a pool party than we do to have sex!
So, this year, it was my turn to do the dreaded shopping for a bathing suit. Usually I get about 3 years out of a bathing suit before it is stetched out and faded to where I have no choice but to buy a new one.
As I rummaged through the racks, I saw colored suits, patterned suits, 1 piece, and 2 piece, bathing suits. They were all pretty...on the hanger. Taking a big breath, I opened the door of the change room and walked in.
I grabbed the first bathing suit from the pile and took it off the hanger. Removing my clothes, except my panties, I pulled on this lovely turquoise suit with tropical flowers. I turned around and looked at my reflection in the mirror. After I stopped crying, I noticed the largest RED flower was in the middle of the suit, directly over my belly! "Oh great" I muttered under my breath. "I look like a Poinsettia"! Disgusted, I began to pull this polyester nightmare off, when a young, pretty sales girl pushed the door of the change room open! "What are you doing "? I could hear this shrill yell coming from inside of the change room, and then, I realized it was me! This very apologetic sales girl was doing everything to divert her eyes from my half covered body, but this time I looked like an upside down Poinsettia, and my breasts were very white leaves! I told the young, perky sales girl to take a good look because in 30 years, after children and gravity, she too would look like a scene out of a greenhouse horror movie! She left very quickly, but not before asking f I wanted the matching cover up. "Only if it's black and covers me from my neck to my toes" I grunted as I continued to peel the suit off of my body.
The next bathing suit was a solid colour, no print. That would definitely be better, nothing to draw the eye to my worst feature, unless of course it's peach, and I looked naked and EVERY dimple of cellulite was doing the Samba! "Oh, my word, could this day get any worse"? Off went that swimming abomination. What designer creates such loathsome bathing suits for women larger than a size 14?
I was beginning to hyperventilate! I yanked the next one off of the hanger and pulled it over my head. "What the f**k is wrong with this stupid thing"? I couldn't even figure out how to get it past my head! I threw it down and hauled the last suit from its hanger. It was burgundy with 2 vertical stripes down each side. "Now we're talking" I said with a smile. I pulled it up and adjusted the straps. My smile melted from my face like a candle in a hot car! "What the hell is that, and what is it doing on my ass"? On my butt was a huge white flower the size of a dinner plate! On my ass! Really? Why don't they just paint a big yellow bullseye on my ass for everyone to see? It would be less conspicuous than this f*****g flower! I looked like a float in the f*****g Rose Bowl Parade!
I put my clothes back on and walked out of the change room. The cute little sales girl who had the pleasure of seeing me almost naked was smiling at me. "Well, which one is the winner"? she asked. "Winner"? I said, very quietly, aware of how insane I sounded. "None"!!! I threw the bathing suits down in a crumpled mess on the counter.
God Bless that young sales girl, she was young and inexperienced so she didn't notice my face was red, my hair was stuck to my head from sweat and my shirt was on inside out! She sweetly asked me if I wanted her to help me look for more to try on. I smiled back at her, I am sure my lips were thin and drawn back into a crazy Jack Nicholson smile when he was in the movie The Shining, because she backed up a step and she said "Maybe not". I had the strangest desire to crook my index finger and croak "Redrum" over and over and over again, but I didn't. Instead, I said No, I don't think so"
"I have decided if I can't swim nude, I won't swim at all"!
I turned around and mustered as much dignity as I could with my shirt on inside out after being seen half naked by a girl half my age, with a limited knowledge of what cellulite actually is, and more than likely she thinks it's a light weight cover for the newest smartphone!
My faded, stretched out, old bathing suit will be perfect this year and I will wear it with pride!
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