Fire and Ice cube Trays
Menopause is just full of surprises. Every woman looks forward to no longer having their period, cramps, and PMS. However, they sacrifice for these few liberties.
Hot flashes are no fun, they come out of nowhere. You are minding your own business, getting groceries, when you feel one come on. As you stand in line, you can feel the heat begin to rise from your feet, all the way up to your head. Ahead of you is a woman with 50 different coupons, you know this is going to take a while, so you hand the cashier your phone number and tell her to text you when she's ready for you. Then, you run to the frozen section, open one of the doors and wedge yourself in between the frozen peas and carrots. To be courteous, you smile and say "Hello" when a customer wants peas. You ask, "Do you want Green Giant, or no name"?
Night sweats...well now, they are a whole different category! Last night, I ventured into a land of hot, that I have never encountered before.
It began like any other night sweat, however, it quickly surpassed the I'm going to spontaneous combust to I'm at the equator of hell, during a heat wave! My nightgown, was soaking wet, as was I. I peeled it off, and climbed into the shower to clean myself off. After climbing out, I was trying to dry myself off, but I was still on fire. I ran to the freezer to get some ice cubes. There weren't any! Out of 6 ice cube trays, I didn't have a single ice cube! "Oh well" I needed to be ingenious now. I grabbed 4 ice cube trays, stuck 1 on top of my head. Aahhh, that's better. I grabbed a tea towel and tied it around my head to hold it there. I put another ice cube tray through the back of the towel, so it was cooling the back of my neck. I thought I heard something so I ran to my room and pulled the top sheet and tied it around my neck. That made it worse! Feeling heat begin to rise, I ran down the hallway and into the living room. The sheet was billowing behind me and cooling me off! Awesome! I ran around the room a few more times, I am Menopause Woman, fighting for menopausal women and the heat oppressed everywhere!
My son was coming down the stairs! I stood in front of my curtains like a statue. My thought being, "If I blend in, he won't notice me". My son walked into the bathroom, and when he opened the door, his eyes, locked with mine for about 3 seconds. He shook his head, and ran back upstairs. I, am where nightmares begin!
OK, I seemed to be cooler now. I went back to my room, and pulled out a clean nightie. I jumped a foot when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yikes, I had officially dropped off of the menopause rails.
I crawled back into bed, it was only midnight! Somehow, I managed to fall back asleep...until my husband came to bed. He couldn't find the sheets, the blanket was all twisted and he was talking. He wouldn't shut up. Blah blah blah!
I tried not to engage him in conversation, but then I got cold. "Oh for heavens sake! Now, I'm cold?" I started grabbing the sheets to cover my shaking ass. My husband began ranting once again about how I tangled the sheets. I was hoping the ice cube trays were not wrapped up in the sheets! I'm not sure how I would explain those.
My husband asked me if I was still drinking the sage tea. It helps with night sweats. "No, I haven't been drinking sage tea." More blah blah blah. I wanted to tell him that the smell of sage makes me think I am a giant turkey, basting in my own juices, inside a giant menopause oven. I wanted to tell him I found my own cure, it involves ice cube trays, and a cape, but I will wait until a night, when, he falls asleep on the sectional. Then, I will introduce him to Menopause Woman!
Hot flashes are no fun, they come out of nowhere. You are minding your own business, getting groceries, when you feel one come on. As you stand in line, you can feel the heat begin to rise from your feet, all the way up to your head. Ahead of you is a woman with 50 different coupons, you know this is going to take a while, so you hand the cashier your phone number and tell her to text you when she's ready for you. Then, you run to the frozen section, open one of the doors and wedge yourself in between the frozen peas and carrots. To be courteous, you smile and say "Hello" when a customer wants peas. You ask, "Do you want Green Giant, or no name"?
Night sweats...well now, they are a whole different category! Last night, I ventured into a land of hot, that I have never encountered before.
It began like any other night sweat, however, it quickly surpassed the I'm going to spontaneous combust to I'm at the equator of hell, during a heat wave! My nightgown, was soaking wet, as was I. I peeled it off, and climbed into the shower to clean myself off. After climbing out, I was trying to dry myself off, but I was still on fire. I ran to the freezer to get some ice cubes. There weren't any! Out of 6 ice cube trays, I didn't have a single ice cube! "Oh well" I needed to be ingenious now. I grabbed 4 ice cube trays, stuck 1 on top of my head. Aahhh, that's better. I grabbed a tea towel and tied it around my head to hold it there. I put another ice cube tray through the back of the towel, so it was cooling the back of my neck. I thought I heard something so I ran to my room and pulled the top sheet and tied it around my neck. That made it worse! Feeling heat begin to rise, I ran down the hallway and into the living room. The sheet was billowing behind me and cooling me off! Awesome! I ran around the room a few more times, I am Menopause Woman, fighting for menopausal women and the heat oppressed everywhere!
My son was coming down the stairs! I stood in front of my curtains like a statue. My thought being, "If I blend in, he won't notice me". My son walked into the bathroom, and when he opened the door, his eyes, locked with mine for about 3 seconds. He shook his head, and ran back upstairs. I, am where nightmares begin!
OK, I seemed to be cooler now. I went back to my room, and pulled out a clean nightie. I jumped a foot when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yikes, I had officially dropped off of the menopause rails.
I crawled back into bed, it was only midnight! Somehow, I managed to fall back asleep...until my husband came to bed. He couldn't find the sheets, the blanket was all twisted and he was talking. He wouldn't shut up. Blah blah blah!
I tried not to engage him in conversation, but then I got cold. "Oh for heavens sake! Now, I'm cold?" I started grabbing the sheets to cover my shaking ass. My husband began ranting once again about how I tangled the sheets. I was hoping the ice cube trays were not wrapped up in the sheets! I'm not sure how I would explain those.
My husband asked me if I was still drinking the sage tea. It helps with night sweats. "No, I haven't been drinking sage tea." More blah blah blah. I wanted to tell him that the smell of sage makes me think I am a giant turkey, basting in my own juices, inside a giant menopause oven. I wanted to tell him I found my own cure, it involves ice cube trays, and a cape, but I will wait until a night, when, he falls asleep on the sectional. Then, I will introduce him to Menopause Woman!
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