S**t Happens
S**t happens. It does. It's everywhere, whether on the lawn, thanks to a dog, in a kitty litter, or, if you are fortunate, in your own toilet.
Last night, I did not have that good fortune. No, last night, I had the misfortune of not having the luxury of a toilet, lawn or even a litter box for that matter.
I took my husbands dinner out to him like I usually do, however, part way through our 30 minute dinner, I felt that unmistakable bubbling rushing through my intestines. I apologised to my husband, and told him I had to leave immediately. He suggested I use the mechanics washroom, which is gross and disgusting. I declined. I kissed him good bye, and off I drove home to the peace of my own bathroom.
I think it's probably only about 5-6 km (2-3 miles) from my husbands work to our home. It usually takes me about 5 minutes. There are 5 sets of traffic lights between the 2 places. If the lights are green, it's a quick ride. However, if the lights are red, it takes twice as long to get home. Last night, I hit every red light, so by the time I was a block away, my sense of urgency was very strong. Kind of like the bearing down phase of labour. You really don't have a choice, your body just takes over.
I was close to home, I could see the peak on my roof, just one more light. It had just turned yellow, so I ran it. In my mirror, I saw flashing red lights. "Good grief", I thought, I pulled over to the side of the road to let the police car pass me, but instead, he pulled up behind me! "Oh s**t!"
I rolled my window down, and saw a young officer walking up to my car. I was holding my butt cheeks together with every ounce of energy I had. "You went through that yellow light a little fast" He said in a monotone voice. "Yes I know", I tried to laugh and be light, as my eyes were beginning to cross. He asked me what the rush was, and I explained to him I had an overdue appointment with my toilet. He just said "Licence, insurance and ownership please." I just looked at him. "Can you follow me to my house, and let me use the bathroom first?" I was begging now. He took my papers, and walked back to his car.
By now, I was panting, like I had learned in prenatal class. It was supposed to help you not to push. I was panting, making a hee hee hee wooooo noise, frantically by this time, my eyes glued to my rear view mirror. My butt cheeks were tighter than a 10 year old boys! "What the hell was taking him so long?!" The panting was useless! It was useless in labour too!
I shifted my bum in my seat, big mistake! I should have left well enough alone.
The officer walked back to my car, and handed my paperwork and license back to me. He squished up his nose is visible disgust and asked "What's that smell?" With both hands gripped firmly on the steering wheel, eyes forward, my voice nearing hysteria, I said through gritted teeth, "Well, 5 minutes ago, I would have said it was the smell of desperation, but, now, it's the smell of shi**y pants!" He looked horrified. "Couldn't you have waited?" was all he could say. "Really? That's the best you've got? I am a 52 year old woman, I am fairly certain I haven't made a doo doo in my pants since I was a toddler. Do you think I could have waited? Do you think I chose to s**t in my pants?" He looked disgusted and told me to go home.
"Go home? Go home? Now you want me to go home?" I had s**t in crevices where s**t should never be! I had become completely unglued! I started yelling at the young officer by this point. He told me to be quiet or he would take me in. "No you won't! " I yelled. "You can't stand the smell of me from outside, you certainly aren't going to put me in the back of YOUR car and take me to the police station and have 30 minutes of paperwork to write up. "What will you charge me with? Yelling at an as*hole? Go ahead! In fact do a full body cavity search while you're at it!" The officer turned around and got back in his car and drove off.
I pulled into my driveway, climbed out of my car and stood up. I cannot express what that experience was like. I walked like Frankenstein up my driveway. With every step, I could hear a squish squish sound. I stepped straight into the shower. Sandals, clothes, and all. I peeled everything off of me, and scrubbed every inch of myself.
Towelling off, I thought to myself, I have talked myself out of a few speeding tickets in my time, but I dare say, this is the first time I s**t myself out of one!
Last night, I did not have that good fortune. No, last night, I had the misfortune of not having the luxury of a toilet, lawn or even a litter box for that matter.
I took my husbands dinner out to him like I usually do, however, part way through our 30 minute dinner, I felt that unmistakable bubbling rushing through my intestines. I apologised to my husband, and told him I had to leave immediately. He suggested I use the mechanics washroom, which is gross and disgusting. I declined. I kissed him good bye, and off I drove home to the peace of my own bathroom.
I think it's probably only about 5-6 km (2-3 miles) from my husbands work to our home. It usually takes me about 5 minutes. There are 5 sets of traffic lights between the 2 places. If the lights are green, it's a quick ride. However, if the lights are red, it takes twice as long to get home. Last night, I hit every red light, so by the time I was a block away, my sense of urgency was very strong. Kind of like the bearing down phase of labour. You really don't have a choice, your body just takes over.
I was close to home, I could see the peak on my roof, just one more light. It had just turned yellow, so I ran it. In my mirror, I saw flashing red lights. "Good grief", I thought, I pulled over to the side of the road to let the police car pass me, but instead, he pulled up behind me! "Oh s**t!"
I rolled my window down, and saw a young officer walking up to my car. I was holding my butt cheeks together with every ounce of energy I had. "You went through that yellow light a little fast" He said in a monotone voice. "Yes I know", I tried to laugh and be light, as my eyes were beginning to cross. He asked me what the rush was, and I explained to him I had an overdue appointment with my toilet. He just said "Licence, insurance and ownership please." I just looked at him. "Can you follow me to my house, and let me use the bathroom first?" I was begging now. He took my papers, and walked back to his car.
By now, I was panting, like I had learned in prenatal class. It was supposed to help you not to push. I was panting, making a hee hee hee wooooo noise, frantically by this time, my eyes glued to my rear view mirror. My butt cheeks were tighter than a 10 year old boys! "What the hell was taking him so long?!" The panting was useless! It was useless in labour too!
I shifted my bum in my seat, big mistake! I should have left well enough alone.
The officer walked back to my car, and handed my paperwork and license back to me. He squished up his nose is visible disgust and asked "What's that smell?" With both hands gripped firmly on the steering wheel, eyes forward, my voice nearing hysteria, I said through gritted teeth, "Well, 5 minutes ago, I would have said it was the smell of desperation, but, now, it's the smell of shi**y pants!" He looked horrified. "Couldn't you have waited?" was all he could say. "Really? That's the best you've got? I am a 52 year old woman, I am fairly certain I haven't made a doo doo in my pants since I was a toddler. Do you think I could have waited? Do you think I chose to s**t in my pants?" He looked disgusted and told me to go home.
"Go home? Go home? Now you want me to go home?" I had s**t in crevices where s**t should never be! I had become completely unglued! I started yelling at the young officer by this point. He told me to be quiet or he would take me in. "No you won't! " I yelled. "You can't stand the smell of me from outside, you certainly aren't going to put me in the back of YOUR car and take me to the police station and have 30 minutes of paperwork to write up. "What will you charge me with? Yelling at an as*hole? Go ahead! In fact do a full body cavity search while you're at it!" The officer turned around and got back in his car and drove off.
I pulled into my driveway, climbed out of my car and stood up. I cannot express what that experience was like. I walked like Frankenstein up my driveway. With every step, I could hear a squish squish sound. I stepped straight into the shower. Sandals, clothes, and all. I peeled everything off of me, and scrubbed every inch of myself.
Towelling off, I thought to myself, I have talked myself out of a few speeding tickets in my time, but I dare say, this is the first time I s**t myself out of one!
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