Oompa Loompa Pantyhose
Pantyhose shoul!d be illegal! They are stretchy, tubes of unknown fibers that are supposed to hug and cradle our curves, massage our legs, make us feel sexy.
They don't, they are either too small and don't cover your bum, and they roll right off you at the most inopportune times, like a funeral. Especially Catholic ones, where you are standing, kneeling, and sitting. It's a horrifying sensation, feeling your pantyhose roll off you! Up and down, roll and oops off they go. How about the ones that are too big? They just keep going and going, like a magicians hankerchief. You know the ones? You pull them up, up, and up and they cover your chest, neck and finally come to rest at the crown of your head. You end up looking like a mad bank robber in a dance leotard! It's frightening to see! So, you improvise and roll them down to your waist but there are so many revolutions that your circulation is cut off in your legs, making them resemble encased sausages with a tan!
Needless to say, there has to be a good reason for me to wear these tubes of torment. This weekend commands that I don the dreaded pantyhose. We have a wedding out of town to attend, so I will have to sacrifice my sanity for comfort.
Last week, I bought 2 pair of pantyhose, I wasn't sure if I wanted nude or nightshade, so I bought both.
Last night, I gave my outfit a trial run, I wanted to finish my packing, so I wanted to know which pair of pantyhose to pack. I took the nude pantyhose out of the package first and very carefully rolled them up, over my first leg, so far so good. Now, the second one, rolling, oh, a bit of a snag, don't panic, gently unroll and start again. Roll gently up the leg, snag...again. Attention Houston, we have a problem! My pantyhose definitely had a snag. I attempted to roll them up, ever so carefully so I wouldn't put a run in them. I was bent over, with my leg out at a stupid angle, why I don't know, but it was extremely difficult to keep my balance and roll these thing up my legs without ruining them. Too late, my right leg had what looked like a giant white zipper running from my ankle to my thigh! Ugh! I hate pantyhose! I peeled them off and threw them in a heap on my bedroom floor. I grabbed the nightshade pantyhose and carefully inspected them. I was in luck, they were good. Same routine, roll, pull, roll, next leg, roll, pull, roll, I pulled them up to my waist. Finally, I took my dress out of the closet and pulled it over my head. It was new and pretty and it still had the tags on it. I cut the tags off and tossed them on my bed. I liked how my dress looked. Okay, that problem was solved. Off came my dress, and back on the hanger it went. Off came my pantyhose, I pulled the hanger with the dress off of my bed and my pantyhose were attached to the hanger! I felt my breath inhale violently! "No no no"! I caught them on the hanger, a massive snag! Damn! Maybe it wouldn't be noticeable where it was located. I carefully rolled them back up, luckily, it was high enough, it wasnt noticeable, so I decided to dab some nail polish on it just in case. I had bright red polish in my bathroom. Why? I never wear red nail polish. I dabbed it on and puttered around my bedroom waiting for it to dry. I assumed it was dry, and it was...dried to my leg! I had to pull it to detach it from my leg and the snag ran, it ran like a third baseman running for home! I wanted to cry, but I didn't!
I sat on the bed thinking. I remembered reading, if you cut the bad leg off of each pair of snagged pantyhose, and pull both pair on, you can salvage them. So out to the kitchen I trotted, humming, congratulating myself on my brilliance. I took the scissors out and ever so gently, cut the offending leg off of each pair of pantyhose. Carefully, I pulled each side up, the 2 pair of the panty parts of the pantyhose were a little bulky but I would survive. I stood back to admire my ingenuity and realized my right leg was nude and my left leg was nightshade! I looked like a Walmart shopper! I tore those suckers off me so fast, and guess what? Neither pair snagged or ran! I hate pantyhose!
Frustrated, I sat down and Googled what pantyhose were made from. No wonder I hate them! Pantyhose, are comprised from adipic acid, organic acid, and nylon salt.
Well, that explains everything! Acid? Mind trips, hallucinations! Bad, bad mojo! Nylon salt, we all know salt isn't good for you! So, 2 different types of acid and salt mixed together to make a pair of pantyhose, in its technical term is called Nylon 6-6. More like Nylon 666! They're evil I say!
So, I have decided I will buy some self tanner, spray my legs and forget about wearing pantyhose. I may just look like an Oompa Loompa, and start singing-
Oompa Loompa doo-pa-de-do
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doo-pa-de-de
If you are smart you'll listen to me
What do you get from wearing those hose?
A crotch that is saggy and a hole by your toes!
Pantyhose aren't what you see on tv-
Pulling or bagging down to your knees!
I don't like the look of it-
Oompa Loompa doo-pa-de-dar
If your hose run, you can throw them real far-
You will be insane, that's true!
Like the Oompa Loompa doo-pa-de-do!
They don't, they are either too small and don't cover your bum, and they roll right off you at the most inopportune times, like a funeral. Especially Catholic ones, where you are standing, kneeling, and sitting. It's a horrifying sensation, feeling your pantyhose roll off you! Up and down, roll and oops off they go. How about the ones that are too big? They just keep going and going, like a magicians hankerchief. You know the ones? You pull them up, up, and up and they cover your chest, neck and finally come to rest at the crown of your head. You end up looking like a mad bank robber in a dance leotard! It's frightening to see! So, you improvise and roll them down to your waist but there are so many revolutions that your circulation is cut off in your legs, making them resemble encased sausages with a tan!
Needless to say, there has to be a good reason for me to wear these tubes of torment. This weekend commands that I don the dreaded pantyhose. We have a wedding out of town to attend, so I will have to sacrifice my sanity for comfort.
Last week, I bought 2 pair of pantyhose, I wasn't sure if I wanted nude or nightshade, so I bought both.
Last night, I gave my outfit a trial run, I wanted to finish my packing, so I wanted to know which pair of pantyhose to pack. I took the nude pantyhose out of the package first and very carefully rolled them up, over my first leg, so far so good. Now, the second one, rolling, oh, a bit of a snag, don't panic, gently unroll and start again. Roll gently up the leg, snag...again. Attention Houston, we have a problem! My pantyhose definitely had a snag. I attempted to roll them up, ever so carefully so I wouldn't put a run in them. I was bent over, with my leg out at a stupid angle, why I don't know, but it was extremely difficult to keep my balance and roll these thing up my legs without ruining them. Too late, my right leg had what looked like a giant white zipper running from my ankle to my thigh! Ugh! I hate pantyhose! I peeled them off and threw them in a heap on my bedroom floor. I grabbed the nightshade pantyhose and carefully inspected them. I was in luck, they were good. Same routine, roll, pull, roll, next leg, roll, pull, roll, I pulled them up to my waist. Finally, I took my dress out of the closet and pulled it over my head. It was new and pretty and it still had the tags on it. I cut the tags off and tossed them on my bed. I liked how my dress looked. Okay, that problem was solved. Off came my dress, and back on the hanger it went. Off came my pantyhose, I pulled the hanger with the dress off of my bed and my pantyhose were attached to the hanger! I felt my breath inhale violently! "No no no"! I caught them on the hanger, a massive snag! Damn! Maybe it wouldn't be noticeable where it was located. I carefully rolled them back up, luckily, it was high enough, it wasnt noticeable, so I decided to dab some nail polish on it just in case. I had bright red polish in my bathroom. Why? I never wear red nail polish. I dabbed it on and puttered around my bedroom waiting for it to dry. I assumed it was dry, and it was...dried to my leg! I had to pull it to detach it from my leg and the snag ran, it ran like a third baseman running for home! I wanted to cry, but I didn't!
I sat on the bed thinking. I remembered reading, if you cut the bad leg off of each pair of snagged pantyhose, and pull both pair on, you can salvage them. So out to the kitchen I trotted, humming, congratulating myself on my brilliance. I took the scissors out and ever so gently, cut the offending leg off of each pair of pantyhose. Carefully, I pulled each side up, the 2 pair of the panty parts of the pantyhose were a little bulky but I would survive. I stood back to admire my ingenuity and realized my right leg was nude and my left leg was nightshade! I looked like a Walmart shopper! I tore those suckers off me so fast, and guess what? Neither pair snagged or ran! I hate pantyhose!
Frustrated, I sat down and Googled what pantyhose were made from. No wonder I hate them! Pantyhose, are comprised from adipic acid, organic acid, and nylon salt.
Well, that explains everything! Acid? Mind trips, hallucinations! Bad, bad mojo! Nylon salt, we all know salt isn't good for you! So, 2 different types of acid and salt mixed together to make a pair of pantyhose, in its technical term is called Nylon 6-6. More like Nylon 666! They're evil I say!
So, I have decided I will buy some self tanner, spray my legs and forget about wearing pantyhose. I may just look like an Oompa Loompa, and start singing-
Oompa Loompa doo-pa-de-do
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doo-pa-de-de
If you are smart you'll listen to me
What do you get from wearing those hose?
A crotch that is saggy and a hole by your toes!
Pantyhose aren't what you see on tv-
Pulling or bagging down to your knees!
I don't like the look of it-
Oompa Loompa doo-pa-de-dar
If your hose run, you can throw them real far-
You will be insane, that's true!
Like the Oompa Loompa doo-pa-de-do!
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