The Battle of the Bulge
I'm trying to lose a few pounds, firm up and get into shape. I have been watching what I eat, or don't eat is more like it, and have been rewarded with a smaller number on the scale. Golf and losing weight, the only activities where you want low numbers. I hate golf, in fact I think it's detestable. I hate losing weight too. Coincidence? I think not.
After my yoga fiasco a couple of weeks ago, I began walking. It's been working out very well. It's cheap, and so far, I have not managed to break anyone's nose.
Everyday, I do my best to get outside and walk. Not far, 2 miles is about my limit right now. I am certainly no speed demon on the sidewalk but I walk at a fairly good clip.
Dieting and getting into shape has its own set of challenges. I found out yesterday, just how challenging the battle of the bulge really is.
I decided to walk to my granddaughter's school and meet her. Wednesday's are her scheduled sleepover dates with grandma and papa. I left early, because I wanted to get a good walk in before I met her.
The street that I live on is home to a high school, so by 2:40 pm, teenagers pass by my house, it's like a mass exodus on the streets. They walk 6 and 7 kids wide, taking up the sidewalk, as well as walking on people's lawn and infringing onto the street.
I began my journey walking toward the high school. I knew that within 5 minutes, the majority of kids would be past me, then I would be free to enjoy my walk in peace. Yesterday, peace was not on my route.
Our city has a miscellaneous garbage collection once a month. Residents can put out old furniture, broken items, etc. to be picked up. This week, there were piles of broken, old debris piled neatly at the end of people's driveaway, waiting to be hauled away.
As I was walking, I could see a group of teenage boys huddling a few houses up from me. One was picking something up, and another, was opening up his backpack and pulling something blue out of it. I heard laughter, but they were kids, they laugh. Had I known I would be the brunt of their laughter, things would have been very different from the get go. They had crossed the street, and they were directly lined up with me. They stopped their boisterous laughing and became quiet.
I sensed it before I felt it. The treasure the one young man had picked up off of the junk pile was a Super Soaker style water gun. Well, it was more of a water cannon actually. The kid with the skateboard, was the sniper. I was hit with a full bottle of blue Gatorade. Blue liquid was dripping off of my face, my shirt, and my pants. My hair was soaked amd let me say, I don't pull off the wet sexy hair look well. I could hear hooting and hollering and cheers from the mob.
I was not about to meet my granddaughter looking like a member of The Blue Man Group. For one, I have no rythm, for another, blue isn't complimentary to my complexion.
I said nothing, I turned around and headed home. I was only 6 houses from home. The sniper and his posse were terrorizing everyone on the street. Girls walking home, boys, all were fair game. I had a plan. A fiendish, get even, have the last laugh plan.
The sniper and his crew, we're running out of targets, so they kept doubling back to shoot new victims. I could hear them behind me now. If I hurried, I could do it.
I made it home faster than I began. I walked into the back yard, hoisted the hose off of the roller, and pulled it out onto the driveway as far as it could go. I could see the boys walking down the street. Their gun obviously had run out of ammo, because it was laying on a lawn a few doors down. The sniper, was on his skateboard, circling around his friends, laughing at how good he got everyone. They were shaking their heads, laughing, in total agreement.
My car was parked at the end of my driveway, behind my mother-in-laws camper. I was hunched down, behind my car, hose in hand, waiting. I could see their feet when I peeked under my car. Good, they were on my side of the road. I waited until they were just passed my driveway, so I could surprise them. I stood up, feeling like Rambo! I pulled the trigger!
It could not have been choreographed any better. I had the nozzle on the Jet setting. That has the pressure to knock a bird off of a branch 50 feet away! I not only soaked them, I beat them at their own game. They were shocked, so they turned around to see what was happening to them. When they did, they experienced a water baptism experience! They were dancing around, I knocked one kids hat straight off his head, then I sprayed it across the intersection. Another kid's backpack was open and he bent down to zip it up. He was yelling at me to stop because his laptop was in there. I didn't. I wonder how he will explain that to his parents. There was a kid running across my lawn, trying to hide behind my brothers tree. My brothers dog, hearing all of the commotion, jumped up against the window and began barking. I think that kid wet his pants because I hadn't sprayed him yet.
The last kid was the sniper. He was a bit wet, but not like his buddies. We made eye contact, our eyes narrowed, it was on. He put his head down, and he began to pump his leg, he was making a break for it. I wasn't trying to spray him, I was aiming for his board. The water made contact with the wheels of the board. They began to shimmy, then wobble, then, the board veered off toward the sidewalk. The sniper was doing all he could do to stay balanced. Unfortunately for him, physics worked against him. He went flying over his board, onto my front lawn. He landed on his back. His posse had abandoned him. It was just he and I. I stood over him and asked him if he was OK. He shook his head yes, so I sprayed him all over his front. I put the hose down, and said "OK, I'm finished, you can go." He stood up, wiped his face and walked over to where his skateboard had landed. He had grass all over his back. I sprayed him again. He turned around and yelling "I thought you said you were finished?" "I was" I said sweet as sugar. "I couldn't help but notice you had grass all over your back. I thought I would just wash it off for you." He turned and didn't say a word.
I began to wind up the hose, smiling, pleased that for once I was on the winning side of...something. I saw my cat Torro, sitting on the front steps. I didn't care for the way he was squinting his eyes at me. He was judging me. I pointed the hose at him and said "Did you see that? You too, will get that and more if you ever lock me out of the house again, bring a mouse into the house or chase a squirrel into my car!"
I so wanted to put the hose up to my mouth and blow, like the cowboys did in the old westerns. I didn't, my luck, I would spray myself in the face.
Welcome back to school boys! You may have youth, but I have a hose!
After my yoga fiasco a couple of weeks ago, I began walking. It's been working out very well. It's cheap, and so far, I have not managed to break anyone's nose.
Everyday, I do my best to get outside and walk. Not far, 2 miles is about my limit right now. I am certainly no speed demon on the sidewalk but I walk at a fairly good clip.
Dieting and getting into shape has its own set of challenges. I found out yesterday, just how challenging the battle of the bulge really is.
I decided to walk to my granddaughter's school and meet her. Wednesday's are her scheduled sleepover dates with grandma and papa. I left early, because I wanted to get a good walk in before I met her.
The street that I live on is home to a high school, so by 2:40 pm, teenagers pass by my house, it's like a mass exodus on the streets. They walk 6 and 7 kids wide, taking up the sidewalk, as well as walking on people's lawn and infringing onto the street.
I began my journey walking toward the high school. I knew that within 5 minutes, the majority of kids would be past me, then I would be free to enjoy my walk in peace. Yesterday, peace was not on my route.
Our city has a miscellaneous garbage collection once a month. Residents can put out old furniture, broken items, etc. to be picked up. This week, there were piles of broken, old debris piled neatly at the end of people's driveaway, waiting to be hauled away.
As I was walking, I could see a group of teenage boys huddling a few houses up from me. One was picking something up, and another, was opening up his backpack and pulling something blue out of it. I heard laughter, but they were kids, they laugh. Had I known I would be the brunt of their laughter, things would have been very different from the get go. They had crossed the street, and they were directly lined up with me. They stopped their boisterous laughing and became quiet.
I sensed it before I felt it. The treasure the one young man had picked up off of the junk pile was a Super Soaker style water gun. Well, it was more of a water cannon actually. The kid with the skateboard, was the sniper. I was hit with a full bottle of blue Gatorade. Blue liquid was dripping off of my face, my shirt, and my pants. My hair was soaked amd let me say, I don't pull off the wet sexy hair look well. I could hear hooting and hollering and cheers from the mob.
I was not about to meet my granddaughter looking like a member of The Blue Man Group. For one, I have no rythm, for another, blue isn't complimentary to my complexion.
I said nothing, I turned around and headed home. I was only 6 houses from home. The sniper and his posse were terrorizing everyone on the street. Girls walking home, boys, all were fair game. I had a plan. A fiendish, get even, have the last laugh plan.
The sniper and his crew, we're running out of targets, so they kept doubling back to shoot new victims. I could hear them behind me now. If I hurried, I could do it.
I made it home faster than I began. I walked into the back yard, hoisted the hose off of the roller, and pulled it out onto the driveway as far as it could go. I could see the boys walking down the street. Their gun obviously had run out of ammo, because it was laying on a lawn a few doors down. The sniper, was on his skateboard, circling around his friends, laughing at how good he got everyone. They were shaking their heads, laughing, in total agreement.
My car was parked at the end of my driveway, behind my mother-in-laws camper. I was hunched down, behind my car, hose in hand, waiting. I could see their feet when I peeked under my car. Good, they were on my side of the road. I waited until they were just passed my driveway, so I could surprise them. I stood up, feeling like Rambo! I pulled the trigger!
It could not have been choreographed any better. I had the nozzle on the Jet setting. That has the pressure to knock a bird off of a branch 50 feet away! I not only soaked them, I beat them at their own game. They were shocked, so they turned around to see what was happening to them. When they did, they experienced a water baptism experience! They were dancing around, I knocked one kids hat straight off his head, then I sprayed it across the intersection. Another kid's backpack was open and he bent down to zip it up. He was yelling at me to stop because his laptop was in there. I didn't. I wonder how he will explain that to his parents. There was a kid running across my lawn, trying to hide behind my brothers tree. My brothers dog, hearing all of the commotion, jumped up against the window and began barking. I think that kid wet his pants because I hadn't sprayed him yet.
The last kid was the sniper. He was a bit wet, but not like his buddies. We made eye contact, our eyes narrowed, it was on. He put his head down, and he began to pump his leg, he was making a break for it. I wasn't trying to spray him, I was aiming for his board. The water made contact with the wheels of the board. They began to shimmy, then wobble, then, the board veered off toward the sidewalk. The sniper was doing all he could do to stay balanced. Unfortunately for him, physics worked against him. He went flying over his board, onto my front lawn. He landed on his back. His posse had abandoned him. It was just he and I. I stood over him and asked him if he was OK. He shook his head yes, so I sprayed him all over his front. I put the hose down, and said "OK, I'm finished, you can go." He stood up, wiped his face and walked over to where his skateboard had landed. He had grass all over his back. I sprayed him again. He turned around and yelling "I thought you said you were finished?" "I was" I said sweet as sugar. "I couldn't help but notice you had grass all over your back. I thought I would just wash it off for you." He turned and didn't say a word.
I began to wind up the hose, smiling, pleased that for once I was on the winning side of...something. I saw my cat Torro, sitting on the front steps. I didn't care for the way he was squinting his eyes at me. He was judging me. I pointed the hose at him and said "Did you see that? You too, will get that and more if you ever lock me out of the house again, bring a mouse into the house or chase a squirrel into my car!"
I so wanted to put the hose up to my mouth and blow, like the cowboys did in the old westerns. I didn't, my luck, I would spray myself in the face.
Welcome back to school boys! You may have youth, but I have a hose!
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